Sunday, 16 October 2016

Big Plans, Tiny Mind

Global domination doesn't just happen overnight, especially if, like Frank, you're only six months old. Conquering the world has to happen one human at a time. First off, you have to give the illusion that you wouldn't hurt a fly. 

"You! Human!! smooth me!"

I say illusion because as any cat person will tell you, cats love hurting flies. All forms of creepy crawly are pawed, chewed, half drowned in cat spit and slowly torn limb from limb by razor sharp talons with no opposable thumbs. William Wallace got off easy! Watch any cat 'play' with a crane fly and then Google 'Spanish Inquisition techniques'. Controlling humans is easy once they think you're cute and adorable but it doesn't hurt to remind them who controls who every now and then.

"I like not this smoothing."

"You must be taught a lesson!"

nomm nomm nomm

Once you have mastery of your human slaves you also have to establish dominance over any other would-be meowing megalomaniacs. This is where Frank's plans, like so many cat toys, get stuck under the sofa. The immovable object in question is Bill. A placid pussy by nature, Bill has rediscovered his playful side since Frank's arrival. Bill is substantially bigger than the budding bug assassin and likes to remind Frank of this during sparring practice. Bill will initiate training by lying in front of Frank with a 'one pounce will finish me off' look in his eye. Frank, being the magnet to trouble that he is, will naturally leap in for the kill. However, this is when Bill goes all Kung Fu Panda and leaps into action. 

Multiple kick combos and biting are the order of the day and Frank soon realises that he's in over his cotton wool filled head. He'll recoil to try a fresh attack from a different angle but Bill has seen this before and is not adverse to catching Frank mid leap and slamming his face into the carpet. Seriously, it's like watching a sumo drop kick Jimmy Krankie into next week and then add a falling elbow to the chops just for fun. 
        Twitter Peeps, watch the full fight HERE!

An army marches on its stomach.....which is bad news for Frank as he has no army and likes to eat everything in sight. When his middle age spread kicks in he'll need his own stair lift. 
All in all, it looks like the universe is safe from the Bengal buccaneer. Earth has nothing to fear from this meowing marauder. Just so long as you know where to smooth him.
"awwww yeaahh"

1 comment:

  1. Oh Frank, plan your world domination carefully!! And try not to upset your housemates in the process?! Gizmo doesnt share his house with any other kitties, but he shares his garden with ferocious pet ducks... Keep Bill on your side...! You might need his help in the future?!! From Gizmos Human Slave x (Kitty Up The Curtain)